Disclaimer: I’m a trained professional. Do not try this at home.

Toast Logic®. That’s what I saw on the side of my Oster toaster when, for the first time, I turned it on the counter so I could now see its profile. Toast Logic® technology. It even had a trademark. So I’m thinking this must be some really incredible stuff. Silly me. I thought a toaster was just a device that burned bread on a variable timer. But apparently, no! Not this baby. This not only has patented technology, they took time to make a logo for it. It must be purely magical! And it’s no normal toaster set-up. This is, as we say in the biz, a fourholer. So it holds a lot at once. Armed with this new knowledge about my toaster, a poor device which held superhero toasting powers but went neglected, a secondclass appliance, for so long, I wondered, what does one do when blessed with this amazing technology? Discovery...

On another pathetically late night following an extended session of putting together an issue of the paper, I came home to the same cold pizza I had been working on for two days. Actually, it was once a great pie from Casey’s in Key West which, believe it or not, makes one of the best pizzas in town. Not the pizza by the slice, but when you get a whole pizza, especially with extra cheese. Try one. You’ll like it. And I’m not paid to say that. Anyway, I couldn’t eat another cold piece of pizza. A warm blanket of genius fell over me in the darkenss of the kitchen ... I decided to put the Toast Logic® to the test. I threw a few pieces of pepperoni pizza in the toaster and pressed the magic button. Show me the love, toaster boy! Two minutes later. I felt the love: A perfect piece of pizza popped up, warm throughout, crispy crust and the cheese golden brown. It didn’t get gooey. I think the speed of the heating process took it past gooey to toasted and thus left me with the perfect late night snack ... in two minutes.

This is amazing. All this time and no one knew? If this kind of success is possible, what else can I cook in my Oster fourholer? Let the imagination run wild. Could I heat up mini corn dogs from a big party at 365? Yes I can! I did! Can you butter your garlic bread before you put it in the toaster? Yup! Can I put Domino’s chicken wings in the toaster the next day and heat them all the way through? You bet I can. But be careful not to fish the wings out of the toaster basket with a metal fork when the toaster is engaged. I haven’t done that yet, but it just can’t be a good idea. With my own safety rules in place, the world is my oyster. No warming up the whole oven for a half hour. And no, I don’t own a toaster oven. But even if I did, this is like four times faster.

Can I re-patent this Toast Logic® technology with a new purpose? The George Foreman Toast Logic Vertical Food Warmer®. Okay, the name needs work. There are some limitations. If you’re warming pizza, you can’t be warming a slice with a lot of loose toppings. You have to knock the loose stuff off the top. The remaining toppings have to be somehow embedded in the cheese love. But anything that drips will eventually just get toasted to a crisp and fall to the crumb catcher at the bottom of the technology-laden device so, no problem. I imagine that somewhere in the instruction book for the Oster there is a section that expressly points out how dumb and dangerous it is to be doing what I’m doing. But luckily, I don’t have that book, so I should be fine. My girlfriend may abandon me for publishing my theory, but only until she finally tastes the fruits of the toaster for herself. But then again, it’s the fresh meals with her that leave me the leftovers to toast in the first place. I should suggest monitoring the food throughout the process, but instead, I’ll just say don’t ever do this incredible idea at home yourself. Leave it to me to push the envelope on leftover food technology preparation. When I have it perfected, I promise you’ll be able to buy my product on Dubuque365.com. The first 100 customers will get a free set of steak knives ... or a cold pizza.