You were originally going to be presented with a powerful, profound and moving commentary on the future of Dubuque’s political, business and economic future with this edition of the Inkubator. But I apparently scared the hell out of those who worry about paying the bills, so instead I’m going to do the “safe” thing and dance like a monkey for you yet again. I’ll change the cultural landscape of Dubuque in a later issue.

Now, I want to let you in on the greatest literary idea of the Millennium. It is a masterful combination of humor, education and a cook book all rolled into one. I call it “Add Bacon and Cheese to Taste.” It’s a culinary coffee table sized insight into your soul and your appetite, Now, this is not a new idea. My friends know I’ve been working on this gem of an idea for some time now. Almost as long as my plan for large scale religious outlet called the Jesus Christ Superstore. But that would require a much larger investment and I’d have to get up early everyday. The concept is simple. Create the greatest cookbook of all time featuring recipes that contain bacon, cheese, or if you’re lucky... both!

But here’s the kicker. I list the amount of every ingredient in the dish except for, wait for it... bacon and cheese. You lucky devil. You get to add as much of each of those two magical ingredients as you like until it meets the meal you picture in your dreams. Just imagine it. Pasta, potatoes, meatloaf and more. A thousand recipes, all made perfect because some stuffy, health conscious nitwit isn’t telling you to stop at a quarter cup of shredded cheese. I mean, I’ll eat the two strips of bacon that come with my breakfast but only because you didn’t give me six. If you gave me six, I’d eat six.

For goodness sake it’s bacon, nature's candy. And I’d have a lot more than just recipes. I’d break up the recipe categories, you know, entrees, desserts, with chapters containing insights into life from the perspective of a bacon and cheese loving midwesterner. Many know of America’s corn belt and wheat belt that cuts through the heartland. But what about the mayonnaise belt? The lucky portion of the contiguous 48 that celebrate the many daily uses for mayonaise in everyday life. There’s truly deep philosophy to be investigated there. I’d include mayonaise in my title, but in all honesty, there IS such thing as too much mayo. But there’s never such thing as too much bacon and cheese.

And then there’s the debate that may have secretly started the first world war. No, not the murder of Archduke Ferdinand. I mean the feud over which is better, mayo or Miracle Whip®? I know we don’t see eye to eye on the topic in my own home. It’s not pretty. We can make it a group effort. Everyone can submit not only their greatest protein-laden menu favorites, but they can also share their social and cultural insights which a life of bacon and cheese eating has led them to understand. There’s reason the words “fat” and “happy” are so often lumped together, such as “Bryce is fat and happy." Even those skinny ones among us in America’s Dairyland are fat somewhere. In their heart or in their head.

Yes, I’m pretty sure there are a fair amount of fatheads in the region. And I’ll guarantee right now that we never elect a vegan to be president. There’s no way they’re happy. They’re sure to set the spark off and we will all be blown away as the Kingston Trio so aptly put it. If someone out there want’s to co-write the book with me and take on the duties of compiling all the gems of wisdom, mostly my own, of course, I’m ready to begin the journey. Because it’s time we stopped feeling bad about loving bacon. Because it’s time we say with one voice, “I’m from Iowa or Wisconsin or Illinois and I love cheese.” And because although a seven layer salad can only have seven layers, no one ever said how thick each layer has to be.