Even with my well-earned girth, it’s frickin’ freezing out there, Mr. Bigglesworth! If this Lighten Up Iowa is a success, I think I may be miserable in the end. After all, my girlfriend is slender and she’s always freezing. Who wants to be freezing? Not I, said the fat man. Then again, it likely comes in handy around July. So what’s the best way for me to succeed at Lighten Up Iowa and freeze my tukus off every winter with all you skinny people?

There’s a dastardly rumor circulating that diet and exercise may be effective. Unfortunately, neither one is all that convenient for a 15-hour workday. But I’m trying. Except tonight. $3.75 burger basket night at Lot One on Tuesday nights calls for french fries. Anything else is simply un-American. Though I guess that’s technically French, and I suppose I don’t NEED bacon on that cheeseburger, but I worked hard today and I’ve earned it. Actually I’d say I work very hard at following the program ... as many as three days a week.

Okay, so, seriously, let’s say I do manage to stick to a program. I do walk to work everyday. But I could get on that ellipse machine in the basement a whole lot more than I do. It used to be a lot easier to entice myself to do it. But that was before the hot tub broke down. I wouldn’t let myself take a dip unless I worked out first. (There were important exceptions to that rule, usually late at night.) Okay, so say I get over that massive obstacle. Then I still need to eat better. That means salads instead of fries and vegetables instead of, um, more fries. I’ve actually been cognizant of that goal and working toward it. Herein lies the rub. The “rub” is VEGETABLES. I do like vegetables. Or, I should say, I learned to like vegetables. The problem is, like many people, I was raised on steamed vegetables. Usually over-steamed vegetables. Snoozeville. Dad did pull out some classics on occasion like candied carrots, but as they are cooked with butter and brown sugar, that’s not really a solution to the problem. It would seem everyone was raised this way. Otherwise, they’d know how to serve something other than steamed vegetables.

I eat out a lot. It comes with the territory of working a lot. As a professional restaurant patron, I’ve gotten to know a lot of menus pretty well. So many restaurants in the area have bent over backwards to create entrees that will blow your mind. Succulent meats and sauces, side dishes of potatoes and pasta spiced or cheesed to perfection. Like many of you, I choose my dinner based on the main course and to a lesser extent, the choice of potato or pasta. Restaurants must know this, because many put as much thought into their vegetable option as we do in making it a priority in choosing my meal. Here are the four magic words ... CRINKLE-CUT VEGETABLE MEDLEY.

Carrots sliced like waffle fries, corn, broccoli nibblets (stem pieces) and if you’re really unlucky, cauliflower. Steam the living crap (and color... and texture) out of it and put it on the plate. Restaurant cooks, you should be ashamed. If you are mad at me now because the vegetables you serve are actually artistic treasures, then clearly I’m not talking about you. Kim at Pepper Sprout and Kevin at the Captain Merry have proven their mojo. Try them out and take notes!

I think the guiltiest parties are supper clubs and family diners, the places where the veggies are often treated as a garnish to the 96-ounce rib-eye and sent back with the plate. Why not stretch out a bit? I’ll bet a single weekend at home with the Iron Chef or Rachael Ray will give you enough ammunition to have your customers cheering and finishing the veggies. The leftover entree, they can take home in a box. I always hated peas until learned to cook them with fresh rosemary and roasted pine nuts. Voila! Even something simple like your favorite spices lightly sprinkled over the corn or the broccoli. Challenge me here. Challenge yourself.

Now, don’t take this as a call to go find the most whacked-out exotic vegetables you can find and sauté them up. Zucchini is fine, and some crazy people like Brussels sprouts, eggplant and beets. But I realize you need to play it a little safe and hit a happy medium with the vegetable you offer to everyone. But there has got to be a solution that will please the masses without shooting for the lowest common denominator. Eating healthy should still be able to be fun, especially when it’s been proven to be possible. I’m trying here, people. Give a man a fighting chance. I want to freeze my ass off in the mildest of chilly weather with all the beautiful skinny people.

Next issue ... iceberg lettuce must die!