Our esteemed publisher’s recent wedding has me thinking about marriage lately. I know this sounds lame, but I used to sit at meetings and go around the table looking for wedding rings. I already knew which of my coworkers were married and which were not, but I took a perverse pleasure in checking out the ring fingers on their left hands. For years, mine was either bare or encircled with something obviously non-marital. Here I am, I would taunt myself. The only singleton in the bunch.

For twenty years – twenty years! – I was not only single, but divorced, and the mother of two children I raised as best I could. I don’t remember counting ring fingers before my first marriage. I was young, after all, and had mixed feelings about the whole domestication thing. I liked having a boyfriend, but I wasn’t sure about walking down the aisle into ever-after land.

Now and then, I found someone to date during those twenty years, but there were no princes among that froggy pond. This time I wanted commitment, and maybe that scared them away. Most of them had never made it to the altar, which should have been a warning flag to me. One in particular kept saying he liked the idea of marriage, and wanted to get married someday, but the state of his own parents’ union had been so perfect, he was worried his own wouldn’t measure up. At the time, I thought I was the one who could fix him. Eventually, I wised up. He was enjoying being the project of one hopeful woman after another.

But I’m not here to trash the men who wouldn’t commit. I’m here to praise the ones who do, and the whole institution of marriage itself, which, for all its failings, can be a wondrous thing. So here, in no particular order, are some of the reasons it’s worth the effort.

You have someone to say “good morning” and “good night” to. Also someone to say “goodbye” to when you leave and “hello” to when you come back. This sounds trivial until you think of the last phone calls those people on Flight 93 made on 9/11/01.

You have someone to make decisions with. Whether it’s small things like what fabric to cover the ugly living room chair in or momentous things like whether to buy your 16-year-old a car, you’re not in this thing alone.





You have someone to talk over your work life with. Your employer might be shocked to know just how many details your spouse knows about Quentin in the corner office, or the Drama of the New Copiers. I’ve always believed that when someone tells me “This is between me and you,” my promise to keep the secret implicitly extends to my husband. I happen to have a husband who knows how to keep a secret, so this works for us.

You have someone to sleep with. I mean this in both the euphemistic, making-whoopee sense (which, boys and girls, can and should endure far into the golden years) and in the cozy privilege of having someone to sling your leg over in the middle of the night after you’ve been awakened by a nightmare or a full bladder. Not complaining about cold feet is nice, but optional.

You have someone to do the chores with. Whether you go by age-old gender divisions, with him hauling trash and mowing grass and her doing dishes and dusting, or mixing it up some more creative way, it doesn’t matter. The work gets done in half the time, and you don’t have to hire a crew to do it.

You have someone to cook and bake for. I know I write a lot about food, and it’s because food is so elemental and comforting. I couldn’t imagine baking a pie if I were living all alone. Sure, I can bring it to work or piece it out to my kids, if they’re still living nearby, but there’s nothing like digging in with your nearest and dearest.

You have someone to have children with, if you choose to and if everything works out. I know this is a loaded subject, but I’m all for planned parenthood, whether you’re talking lowercase or uppercase “P.” Having been a single parent for so long, I know it’s possible to do it on your own, but I also know how extremely difficult that can be. I sometimes wish I’d had my present husband when I had my babies. He’s a wonderful father, and seeing how he interacts with his son and daughter adds a whole new dimension to an already good relationship.

You have someone who keeps you honest. Look, I know marriage isn’t always a walk in the park. I know it’s something you have to work at, once you get past the hearts and flowers stage. In the past week, one person suggested (when I said I don’t get mad at my husband, which I’ll admit here was an exaggeration), “Oh, I know, you get even” and another said my hubby would surely “make me pay” after he helped me with some manual labor at work. It’s easy to have that kind of marriage, to act like the Bickersons, constantly sniping at each other. But if your vows include a promise to treat each other with the same courtesy you do your friends, you’ll be amazed at what the two of you can make together. Learning how to fight fair, to keep moving forward during your worst moods, to talk rather than retreat – did I mention this is hard? – can be infinitely rewarding. And after you get through each one of these outrageous snags, you can snuggle up on the sofa or in the hot tub and feel smug about your fabulous marriage.

You have someone. You didn’t before, and chances are good that you won’t leave this earth simultaneously. So for heaven’s sake, appreciate what you’ve got.

As for the rings? Those are nice, but in the end, they’re just jewelry. Happy marriage, Bryce and Christy!

Pam Kress-Dunn
pam2617@yahoo.com